Sorry everyone, this is not another recipe. I’ve been too busy to cook since I devoted most of my time to cleaning and organizing my house in preparation for my new housemates. They’ve only been here for two weeks, and I’ve already heard endless complaints about their miserable love lives. Of course, with Valentine’s Day around the corner, my inner imp decided to create dating profiles for these lonely reptilian sweethearts.
1. Yoanna (Triceratops horridus)
First up is Yoanna. She is a forest ranger at Gondwanaland National Park and spends the bulk of her work hours protecting endangered plants from being eaten by oblivious herbivores. Despite her attention to the environment, this horned dinosaur has a hard time with spatial awareness and often gets stuck in unusual places. Recently, I woke up to Yoanna screaming for help after she trapped her head in the dishwasher. Do not worry. What she lacks in agility, she makes up in passion.
Likes: Romantic comedies, bird-watching, event planning
Dislikes: Being the little spoon, tight spaces, deforestation
Gondwanaland was a supercontinent consisting of present-day South America, Africa, Arabia, Madagascar, India, Australia, and Antarctica. It existed approximately 550 million years ago until it began to split 370 million years later during the Jurassic period.
2. Wei (Pinacosaurus grangeri)
Wei is a simple ankylosaurid with extensive knowledge of dinosauric mythology. He loves incorporating these stories into his preschool class plans. When he isn’t teaching, Wei studies new recipes, using his tail club to make a variety of juices and fruit sauces. I’ve even come home to a bowl of applesauce with my name on it. Unfortunately, this does mean that you’ll have to frequently help him clean food off his pestle. On the bright side, if you give Wei a chance, he will make you roar with his dedication and poetic charm.
Likes: Intellectuals, trying new foods, literature
Dislikes: Messes, breaking up disputes, high fructose corn syrup
3. Douglas (Brachiosaurus altithorax)
Standing approximately 65 feet tall, Douglas has no trouble reaching above the fridge. His height complements his career in rooftop landscaping, where he is hired to design spaces that repel small, pesky pterosaurs (I’m looking at you Anurognathus ammoni). Because of his stature, most people who meet him are intimidated. If they stick around, though, they get to experience his heart and humor. The first day I met him, he yelled, “The bigger they are, the harder they fall,” right before tackling me into a pillow fort. With this sauropod by your side, you may instill fear in others, but you will always have fun.
Likes: Stargazing, dad jokes, basketball
Dislikes: Earnest people, low ceilings, The Weather Up There
Anurognathus was a hummingbird-length insectivore that grew upwards of 3.5 inches. It is considered to be the smallest Jurassic pterosaur in existence.
4. Olive (Allosaurus fragilis)
With fresh pizza and an even fresher personality, Olive is definitely your go-to date for parties. Their pizzeria, Petrified Crust, is well on its way to becoming the most popular joint in the city. If you’re lucky enough to catch their eye, they’ll sneak some extra breadsticks in your order. Living with Olive has been a blessing, not only for the free food, but also for the free concerts. I’ve never seen claws move so swiftly on a guitar. Although their rambunctious voice annoys our neighbors at night, their restless soul and lively presence never fail to leave a lasting impression.
Likes: Double dates, Guitar Hero, motorcycle rides
Dislikes: Corny pick-up lines, waking up early, bad tippers
5. Earl (Loricatosaurus priscus)
When it comes to this spiked florist, there are only two things you have to know. First and foremost, do not mess with his flowers. I mean it. The last raptor who tried to steal a bouquet received a thagomizer right to the face. Second, he is very competitive and isn’t afraid to show it. The other day, he challenged me to a dance battle over the last slice of cake. (I lost.) Earl has won countless contests, whether it be watermelon eating or sauropodback riding, and will adamantly fight for your love. His incredible loyalty paired with his handsome backplates make him a solid bachelor.
Likes: Giving gifts, board games, pollinators
Dislikes: Unrequited love, sore losers, wintertime
Thagomizers are the arrangement of spikes found on the ends of stegosaurid dinosaur tails. Its name was coined by comic artist Gary Larson and first used in his comic strip, “The Far Side,” before being gradually accepted as the scientific term.
If anyone is interested in any of my lovely housemates, please do not hesitate to contact me. I hope this serves as a reminder to be a good wing person this Valentine’s Day and give your single friends and family members a boost if they wish. You might make them one less lonely dinosaur.